Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Five Letter Word Called TRUST

Since a few days now, I have been coming across this strong, poignant 5-letter word quite often than I would have really liked to. I guess I needn’t explain further that I was trotting through one of those “not-so-happy” days in my life – saturated with emotions and drama and war of stinging words. And sometime amidst it all, as I sat down, reflecting the whole thamasha, I realized that ‘TRUST’ was one fancy word that seemed to have popped up every now and then.

There was me asking myself “Whom should I trust?” There was a friend asking me, “Don’t you trust me?”. There was dad telling me “You should have trusted me”. There was mom telling me “I don’t trust you any longer”. There was an Uncle telling them “Whatever, just trust her”. And finally there was a distraught me crying out aloud and asking them all, “What have I done to break your trust? Why wouldn’t you just trust me like you have always done?”. Guess most of those questions would remain unanswered, atleast for now.. Anyways it has triggered off thoughts which have since then been growing and is now rolling down like a huge powerful avalanche.

TRUST- What is it that makes it so important? What are its salient features, properties, advantages, disadvantages, role in life…blah..blah.. Now that might have sounded really boring and glum, but then I luckily stumbled upon an interesting comparison- Trust is an Investment… high risk, rewarded with either high gains or high loss.

Before one invests his hard-earned money in the markets, he undergoes intensive mental turmoil and tortures, scratching his head, studying the markets and market trends and the world economies and what not, to finally somehow decide where to put in his savings. If getting till here was hard, it only gets even harder from here on. Then is the phase of anticipation and uncertainty, it keeps eating your peace of mind from the inside, you find yourself sitting at the tip of the iceberg every minute, biting your nails, spending sleepless nights, wondering if your instincts would be right, if your money would grow or disintegrate, wondering how your frail heart would take it all if the markets slashed.. Put ask-Have I done right in investing? And have I invested in the right one? And sometimes, deep down, one part of your heart keeps your fingers crossed, murmuring silent prayers, hoping that your instincts would after all be right and that your money is safe… So goes the melodrama of an investor.

And the melodrama associated with trust is also no different, if anything, it is only more complex. It really is a nauseating roller-coaster ride of emotional turmoil as your heart duels with itself to make that final decision of trusting someone. Then, after the decision is made, the ride gets rougher and tougher. Your heart beats faster and you bite your lips as you wait to just be really assured that you have trusted the right one…..

Trusting a person intakes so much of emotional strength that if one faces that moment where the trust is broken, a frail heart is also irreparably broken and yet on the other hand, if that bond of trust deepens, it lives on to be one of the strongest pillars in your life, staying by you to face the ensuing trials of life.

And as you are awaiting the final verdict you keep hoping for the best, the hope keep you going.. And above it all, you realize the emotional thrust and power of this little harmless-looking five-letter word TRUST…………!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Blah Blah..!

Many people adorn your life.. Some who touch your heart, some who don’t, some who are indispensable, some who teach you important lessons, some without whom life would be bland, etc.

But there are some special places in your life which are very special, very close, very important, whose presence assures you of love and security, a shoulder to cry upon, a companion to laugh with, a support when you feel hopeless… For a long time those places might have remained vacant, awaiting for the right people to walk in at that special pre-destined moment, but the yearning never acknowledged and life goes on until slowly the time comes and they arrive one by one and fall into their places and you begin to realize the truth in the saying ‘You never know what you have been missing until it arrives”.

You then begin to love them, love them with all your heart. All the love you had saved up while waiting for them gush out and embrace them, they become an inseparable part of your walking and waking dreams, they make you alive, they make you forget yourself, you bloom into a new somebody when you are cradled by them, you let go of yourself until you reach a point where you cannot imagine a life without them and you wonder how you had managed to survive through the past without them.

But then again there are those dark times when you wonder.. Those ‘special people’... do u really love them for what or who they really are, or do you love them only for the place they hold in your life? You ask yourself... do I often close my eyes and ears to most of their grievous shortcomings only because I am scared to erase them from my precious dreams and await yet again for a new person to walk in and replace them?

You ask yourself- Judge a person for who they really are or Love a person for who they really are. Most of the times if you went with your head and judged them, you are most likely to be disappointed and if you followed your heart and loved them… Yep! Then that’s it I guess….. After all every relationship is about loving and respecting eachother for their true self. Aint it?

Well, I have always been told that I think too much, as I am sure you too just found out. And so at the end of each daunting thinking session, I pacify myself with an anecdote of wisdom of an old friend- Never ask yourself why certain beautiful things happened in your life, just accept it and savour the beauty of it to the fullest; an introspection would only lead you to darker tunnels of miseries where you might tumble down. Then I would again find myself alone and unlike as in olden times, I would have to live along realizing what I am missing. I shudder at these dark thoughts that send shivers down my spine and so I stop myself. But for how long? That remains unanswered…..

Monday, October 13, 2008

Alien in a Familiar City or Familiar in an Alien City???

It is a question that i keep asking myself as i leave my native place-Bangalore-after every brief visit. Its a city I have been visiting on an average of 3 times every year for the past 20 years of my life( put it in other words,all my life i mean. Hehe..) And every time, the city never fails to punch me in the face with this same complex question.

Sometimes I feel completely alienated in this city which "ought to" have since long been familiar to me. And innumerable examples I present before thyself to bear testimony to the abovesaid miserable fact.
Alienation No:1- Firstly and foremostly, its the alienation I feel at being away from my hometown where I am this free bird, especially so during the past 2 years, thanks to the two-wheeler i "inherited" from my mom, freaking out at whatever limited hangout options the lil conservative city(Trivandrum) has to offer, with those friends who have grown to mean everything to me in the past few years, to even almost and completely being there as a family i must say. So now, every moment I spend alone in a buzzing city like Blore is a real pain. Everywhere I find cool lads n lasses hanging out, freaking out, having pure unbridled fun at the many CCDs, at the many eateries (starred or roadside.. hehe) popping in panipuris and chaats, at movies, shopping(read window shopping) etc etc... and u can do nothing but sit all despondent missing your own friends. It sometimes drives you into your crazy hair-tearing "ready-to -blow-tantrums" moods. Take my word-Itzz terrible to be in a hot and happening city without your friends!!! You feel nothing short of an alien kidnapped away from Mercury(or Mars)
Alienation No:2-N yea, just when you thought things can't get worser if you decide to quit shopping and sit home, you are proven grievously mistaken. Suddenly you find yourself hijacked by a maddening crowd of relatives and family-friends invading your private space and time: people whom your grandparents swear are "our most dearest and nearest and closest", but whom you have almost never seen in your brief visits over the 20years of your life. Its sometimes surprising to the point of irritation as to how many of them know every damn thing that has been happening in your life, when you dont even know who the hell they are!!!And you can do nthing but helplessly nod and smile and chit-chat with them like an odd machine at work , and yea..remember-most of the time you dont even know who you are talking to!!!
Alienation No:3-The long list of cousins who are doing well and who have done well in the country and abroad also torture my precariously built self-confidence. Everybody quite obviously "expects" the same out of you and God knows what the hell gave them that idea!!!(though i must say that their confidence in me has sometimes boosted up my own)[Anywaz itz a topic i dont wanna indulge in too much at this point]
Alienation No:4-The Obvious-the language gap, the cultural gap. the ideological gap.. etc.. u name it. Well, shopping is the only means and modes of killing time when I am in Blore and quite naturally its a passtime which requires a strong hold over the regional language, and which exactly happens to be on my "Things I Lack" list. Well, I aint hopeless at it though; I can manage a tight-rope-walking act with whatever little i know. But even then these gaps can realy get onto your nerves sometimes n make you feel a little more alienated and outta place!!!

Now over to the familiar things that manages to sweeten up my visits- I must say that they are all mostly abstract things, mostly memories associated with the city. Naturally, having spent most of my vacations in this city all through my childhood years, a lot of my childhood memories do centre around this city. Amidst all the shop-vendors and the general public to whom i am just yet another "mallu" scaning through the streets, talking gibberish and even worse, tainted kannada, sticking out like a sore thumb, there are a few thinhs that keep me connected to the place-especially the neighbourhood, the beautiful street lined with huge trees on either sides, the cool soft breeze, the silence it caresses, the sugarcane and chaat trams being pushed along, the kids at tehir game of cricket and shuttle and cycling, the colony that it once was and is no more, the sugarcane juice at the other end of the road next to the swimming pool, the ever mooth-watering chaats and roasted corn which have become my only major attractions that draws me towards the city these days, the same old shopping stret nearby that we frequent every visit, the language that i keep trying to learn like a little kid, the Tenali Raman stories that my grandfather once used to narrate, the once irritating cousin who has now blossomed into a young woman who looks upto me for support and strength.
Yeaaa.....these are some of those familiar nostalgic and close-to-heart etchings carven out in an alien city... many more in fact.. but... cant realy place those assorted bits of my heart...

Yep, so winding up, Ladies and Gentlemen, herez my point simply put- My every visit to Blore is a BItter-Sweet Experience, Entangled in a Web of Complex Thoughts, Questions and Incomplete Answers..........

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A Quick Thought

Well.. This time I have decided to blog down a couple of thoughts that has sprouted up in my human mind in the last few days. And to this day, I still don’t know what really triggered off those emotional and philosophical grey cells of my brain, evicting from it such high-flown, thought-provoking philosophy (Ahem.. I believe that they are so). Ok.. time to shoot them…

Sometimes life introduces you to beautiful things and you fall in love with it and you yearn and crave for making it yours; you work out yourself tirelessly to make it a part of your life; and each passing moment only deepens your yearning.. And you reach a point where things have gone on pretty smooth for long and that beautiful something begins to reign over your dreams and your aspirations.. And you feel that you are so, so close to having it completely for yourself.. Just for you… And that nothing in the world can stop you from having it when it seems just an inch away from being yours.. But all while, through the excitement, you fail to realize that it hasn’t yet really become yours.. And lo! Life makes you realize it! How? When it so mercilessly tears it out of your reach and takes it away…far, far away.. never to come back, never ever to be heard of or seen of ever again.. And then all the realizations come home… you realize that you can’t even blame life for being unfair because it has only taken away something which it had never given you in the first place.. it has taken away an illusion.. a self-made illusion of yours which had provided you a pseudo-satisfaction all this while… It had never been yours!!! So who do we blame then??

Zindagi hamein kuch cheezein poori tarah deene se pehle hi cheen leti hai…. Tab bahut dard hota hai….

At yet other times, something more heartbreaking happens. Sometimes life showers upon you with something and it becomes the most beloved of things in your life.. your entire existence seems to centre around it, making you so happy and so complete. But when one day life suddenly decides to tear it away from you, it does so. But who can stop it? Even at that time, life furthers its ruthless acts by not sweeping away that precious something completely.. its remnants remain, broken and strewn all over our life, each piece, each memory still remains to haunt and hurt our life thereafter. And you are but left helpless to spend the rest of your life wading in that deep melancholic pool of sour-sweet memories of that which can never again be a part of today or tomorrow.. which has blurred itself in the ocean of yesterdays…….

Jab zindagi apna koi cheez cheenti hai, use poori tarah bhi nahin cheenti hai. Aur baaki ki zindagi un meetein yaadein aur tootein sapnon ke saath guzarna hamari majboori banjathi hain….
Tab bhi bahut hi dard hota hain…

In donon mein kaunsa dard zyada chubtha hai. Yeh to zindagi bhi nahin batha sakti hai……….

And by the end of this violent sproutings of philosophic ideas and emotions, I sum up things and conclude with yet another enlightening thought….

Every living man lives in the fear and apprehension of 3 things…..
The Remnants of the Past
The Flying Present
The Uncertainties of the Future

Think about it.. each and every thought cossing a human mind each moment would invariably have something to do with either of these three realities…
Don’t they?? Think again…..

Thursday, December 27, 2007


For me all these years, the last week of December used to be just another set of days, but a little bit spiced up by the Christmas airs and the cakes and the carols… And New Year’s Eve and New Year, were just yet another couple of days, by the end of which one took resolutions that were almost impossible to keep and yea.. you remind yourself to henceforth add a year to the date and yes.. you make sure you haven’t missed out on wishing a “Happy New Year” to all of your friends.. And Oh heavens!! Yes!! Those special new year shows on television.. too many of them man!! Which do I choose??
Among such innumerable immaterial things that used to once occupy my waking hours, the only moment that really reached down to my heart was that nanosecond, when the world stepped out from the last night of a year and stepped into that first dawn of a new year.. 12 Midnight….
At that moment involuntarily I close my eyes and let the visions of the past year fly through my mind- those kept and unkept promises, those fulfilled and unfulfilled wishes; and the next thing I know, I am already making new promises and hopes for the coming year. But as I open my eyes, the magic of the moment vanishes and I am once again in my materialistic world.

This was the extent of the emotional implications of a New Year in my life.. that is.. until this year… This time…. As I stand at the doorstep of this year, getting ready to bid adieu to it, I m really “feeling” it from the depth of my heart. The mental reflections that had been hitherto constrained to only a nanosecond, has, this time, become a week long phenomenon. Each passing moment-awake or asleep- I find myself assessing how this year has influenced my life, what lessons it has taught me, what I have really earned this year, etc. etc… And I realize that only a blog would truly release and relieve my from this dreadful thirst to conduct a self post-mortem.

The most important truth that I realized this year was the fact that life never, ever leaves you alone and desolate. At any given moment, even when you felt most lonely and so utterly lost, there would inevitably be a somebody with you… be it a friend or a family member… a someone whose presence and role you would quite often not acknowledge or realize at the time.. a someone whose presence in your life wouldn’t have otherwise ever been dreamt of.. And that someone remains as an invisible source of strength and support, taking your hand and leading the way out of your worries and troubles. It is only later, as life proceeds, that you truly realize the role and part played by that somebody during those hard times of your life and you thank everything that brought that person into your life…

As I was reflecting on this fact, I tumbled upon yet another realization- that the wheels of life have been moving slowly and invisibly quite quite long before you realized it, moving steadily towards working things out in that perfect synchronization to help us out of our hard times; A lot of things that went unnoticed at the time, slowly summed up at the end to work beautiful wonders in your life- like introducing wonderful new people at the right juncture of your life, right when we needed them; striking beautiful relationships; slowly building that basement of trust, faith, love and confidence; and slowly you reach a point where you cannot even imagine what life used to be before their arrival. The mere human that I am, I called those incidences “coincidences” at the time. But now as I sit back and think about them, I realize how foolish I were to not realize and acknowledge that they were all a part of that predestined script of our life, playwright by the Greatest Playwright. Oh! And how beautifully these “coincidences” fit perfectly among themselves!!! It is beyond anybody’s comprehension.

Now speaking of the greatest sense of satisfaction that life this year has gifted me.. it was the sense of having rightfully earned those beautiful and wonderful new friendships I just spoke of. Having studied in the same school all my school life, hitherto, most of my early friendships were quite inevitably results of the familiarity that were sometimes born simply because he/she used to be “sitting next to me, in the same class, in the same bench”. Hence you literally grew up with them, knowing them, capable of calculating their actions and reactions.
But once I stepped into college life, initially things were quite bumpy- you sometimes couldn’t adjust with that extra liberty and most often you couldn’t adjust with that new crowd of people that came from different places… Those were times when you felt so hollow from the inside though you seemed perfectly happy from the outside. But slowly I realized that from here, this would be the real scenario of the truth called life. And then there were those multitude efforts to cope up with things. And in the long run, be it through social networking sites or in the form of “combined studies” or meeting friends of friends- it was all an effort to present and prove yourself to each other and by the end of it, really “earn” each other’s respect, trust and friendship. And what was judged was your True Self- not your family or social backgrounds or liabilities; you were judged, respected, accepted and appreciated for the person, for the character, for the personality that you truly are- the shortcomings included. And I realized that such acceptance was the best that one could ever wish for because such friendships were built up sincerely, brick by brick, right from the foundation, sweating yourself out, making yourself worthy of it and naturally the fruit of labor was sweet- because the resulting friendships were deep and affectionate, sisterly and brotherly- and they were all there for you when you wanted to laugh, when you wanted to cry, when you wanted to open out your heart, when you wanted to play your silly pranks and recite your silly jokes… Oh yes!! They were there!!!!

And now as I stand, mentally prepared to bid adieu to the passing year and usher in the new year, I acknowledge and accept all these realities of life and all the realities of the ME that I am. I realize that things still have a long way to go from here and that hardships and bad times would invariably find my way again, that with each passing year responsibilities increase and expectations of those around you keep mounding up…………… But somehow I feel mentally armed to face these sweet and harsh realities of life…….

Now I proudly present this blog as my small token of thanks and love to all… all those really touched my life this year, enriching it…. It is a debt that I would never be able to repay and I dare not coz.. that’s the Beauty of Friendship……

Sunday, November 25, 2007


Each passing moment of our life instantly ceases to be the present and enters that chamber in our heart known as ‘Memories’ and these Memories whether good or bad, happy or sad, then reign our life. It opens itself when called for and quite often walks in as an uninvited guest. Our childhood days, childhood home, school days etc are some of those memories that invade our thoughts most often than any other.

As you move into adulthood, as you are pushed out into the world of Reality, pushed out to face the real world all alone, as you are suddenly crowned with all the responsibilities and duties which once you thought belonged to only your parents and teachers and other grown-ups, you suddenly feel so insecure and so lost that you find solace only while taking that long walk down the memory lane… And for a moment you wish that you were once again that same old innocent child who could run into the strong waiting arms of your dad who had the ‘tonic’ to all your worries and problems, and lie there safe in his warm embrace and break down while he patted you and comforted you and let all your fears and doubts disappear in a whiff and instill into you a new sense of confidence and hope and thus re-assured you walk back into your life, bolder and braver and with the pleasant thought that come what may, your loved ones would always be there ready with the answers to all your insecurities….

But then suddenly Reality slaps back at your face and tells you that as years move on, your worries are too much your own, demanding your personal attention and that they can no longer be taken to your loved ones. This very chilling thought that unfaithful ‘Time’ is turning its wheels mercilessly, cues you to once again escape into your ever faithful ‘Memories’. Those days at school…the beautiful castle where you were delicately brought up all your school life…the place where you learnt the meaning of friendship and trust…where you once thought that exams and silly fights and youth festival results were all that mattered in life… As these painfully sweet memories fly past, you curse yourself for having once taken it all for-granted, for not having truly realized the worth of each of those passing moments at the time. And one by one, the faces of all those people who walked in and out of your school life - some who left a lasting impression and some who left a lasting vacuum; some who meant everything then and some who meant nothing then- ALL- swim before your eyes like a motion picture and you desperately call upon God to give you that one more last chance to thank them all for the part they played in molding the ‘You’ that the world sees today.

And then suddenly you are transported to Reality yet again and it slams at you the naked truth that you might never ever meet some of them again in your life and the thought makes you cry out and ask yourself why life has changed so much and u ask “Isn’t it unfair of Life to be so unfair?”…. And in desperation you attempt to make a comparative study of your own life-Before and Now… And lo! You realize that life now isn’t any bad either. You suddenly find yourself admitting that in some ways life might have actually got more happy and happening now.. New friends, new life, new experiences, new experiments….. each passing moment has its own story to relate as it walks into the Chamber of Memories.. And suddenly a new fear grips your heart and for a moment u think of that inevitable day when you would miss the things that you have today and you chide yourself for forgetting to relish the beauty of the present while yearning and whining so much about your past. And you close your eyes and silently, deep down in your heart you vow to enjoy each passing moment and not let the history of “taking it all for-granted” repeat itself once again….

The only truth that can slow your frantic oscillations between Memories and Reality is the realization that, in life, the only constant element is Change. Things and people who were once the nucleus of your existence have now stepped down their positions in the priority list of your life. New things and new people have taken their place and life changes thus! And as novelty walks in and out of your life, they bring with them new experiences and thoughts which mould you for tomorrow. But nevertheless you cannot help but miss your old buddies and your old care-free life at those lonely moments. As they say, you never realize the value of what you have, until it leaves you. And at those junctures of life, the only faithful one who would stand by you would be your Chamber of Memories….. Keeping alight the Flame of Hope in your life…..